Things I Am Not Allowed To Do at Hogwarts
by Foxtail-Padfoot
Summary: James and Sirius wreaking havoc in the form of hilarity. Based on an amazing list I found on NotADreamYetNotANightmare's profile. Not all of it will be James and Sirius, because some of the list's rules are from Harry's times and not Marauders era.
1. Chapter 1

Things I Am Not Allowed To Do at Hogwarts

#1: The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball.

James, Sirius, Remus and Peter were walking down towards the Black Lake. It was late December of their fifth year, and the Yule Ball was in just a few days. They were all jubilant- Sirius had a date, Remus had a date, hell, even Peter had a date. Now the only one left single for this monumental occasion was one James Potter- and he had his sights set on a particular redhead.

Said messy-black-haired Gryffindor was walking backwards in front of his friends, tongue stuck out to catch snowflakes. Sirius laughed as James tripped for the fourth time, landing backwards in a snowbank. James glared at his best mate before trying to climb out, which came off as more of arm-flailing wallowing. Snow flew everywhere, splattering on his friends' jackets. "Padfoot! Help me up, you prick!"

Still clutching his stomach laughing, Sirius extended a hand and helped James out of the snow. "I told you that you would fall, but did you believe me? No."

"Whatever, mate." James laughed good-naturedly, shaking snow out of his dark hair. He turned and walked in a forwardly manner, heading towards a cluster of girls who were throwing snowballs at each other down by the shore of the lake. One red-haired girl was shaking her head and laughing at her friends, though after her friend Tess (Sirius' date) nailed her in the face with powdery snow, Lily dropped to the ground and made her own snowball, joining in.

As the boys neared the lake, the girls froze one by one, turning to look curiously as James approached Tess and Lily. James ruffled his hair cutely, grinning as he walked to the pair. "Tess!" James called out.

"James!" the raven-haired beauty called back, beaming.

"Would your friend be interested in going to the Yule Ball with me?" he asked, hazel eyes twinkling.

Tess and Lily looked at each other, and Lily made a disgusted face. "No, Potter, I would not like to go to the Ball with you."

James turned a pink color- from the cold, he would claim later- and ruffled his hair again. "Who's to say I was talking about _you_, Evans? Actually, I meant the Squid." He motioned behind them to where the squid was breaching the black water.

Sirius fell to the ground, roaring with laughter. Peter was chuckling and Remus rolled his eyes. Lily and Tess looked behind them at the Squid, and Lily turned to him. Scandalized, she said, "The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball, Potter!"

**A/N: This is born out of reading the list on NotADreamYetNotANightmare's profile. So, all my numbers are from her, if you want to see what chapters I'm posting... This will be my "when I'm extremely bored" project.**


	2. Chapter 2

Things I Am Not Allowed To Do at Hogwarts

#2: I am not allowed to sing "We're Off to See the Wizard" while skipping off to the Headmaster's office.

James, Remus and Peter were all watching Sirius with something halfway between serious concern and genuine amusement while the black-haired boy was bouncing up and down during Transfiguration. He'd been the recipient of a malfunctioning Cheering Charm during Charms last block, and it still hadn't worn off. Sirius was grinning broadly like an idiot and singing Beatles songs at the top of his lungs, something which was severely irritating Professor McGonagall.

She stopped in mid-lecture for the third time and snapped, "Could Professor Flitwick not fix him?"

"No, Professor," Remus put out- normally backing up Sirius fell to James, but James had a hand over his mouth to keep from laughing. Remus was the only one capable of holding a straight face. "He said the only way to get rid of a Cheering Charm is for it to wear off. Personally, I rather feel he was merely too amused to reverse it."

McGonagall sighed, rubbing her temples, then waved a hand. "Someone cast a Silencing Charm on him, please."

James couldn't hold it back, and slammed his head on the desk, laughing so hard. "Professor, we tried three times, he's good at reversing them silently."

"It's true," Peter squeaked. "And the last time Prongs tried, Padfoot conjured a skillet and tried to hit him with it."

There was a chorus of muffled snickers and giggles. Lily Evans merely had a tried and patient look on her face, and Tess Reynolds' face was turning red.

"Mister Black! Please go to the Headmaster's office! Now!" McGonagall barked. She did not look as amused as the rest of the class.

"Obla di, obla da," Sirius sang, jumping out of his seat (and toppling the desk). "Certainly, Minnie! Off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz!" He skipped off, still grinning like an idiot.


	3. Chapter 3

Things I Am Not Allowed To Do at Hogwarts

**A/N: HEEEEY! What is the "pointy hat trick", anybody that knows please PM me or review!** (It is pivotal for #4 that i should know!)

**#3 I am not allowed to take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter.**

Harry Potter sat at his desk in the Aurors' department, feet propped on said desk. He gazed absently across the room, twiddling a quill between his fingers. Posters were tacked around the room, showing faces of various convicts, escapees, wanted men, and Quidditch players- the last category for interest, of course.

His older partner and mentor, Walter O'Neal, sat behind the desk across from him, eating a donut. The older man was busy working on whatever it was he worked on; no one questioned Walter, because he closed cases, but sometimes Harry wondered if it was not merely instinct and a lot of dumb luck.

Jessica, the bright young witch who served as dispatcher for their unit, poked her head around the partition. "Morning, all," she chirped.

Harry lifted his bright green eyes to her and smiled. Walter just grunted, not looking up from the report he was scratching at. Jessica scowled at them. "You two haven't a single cheerful bone in your body."

"I was born without them. Harry's were all replaced by the healers at St. Mungo's," Walter replied, making a joke about how often the younger wizard ended up in the hospital after their cases' conclusions. Harry felt his ears go a bit red.

"We should put a life insurance policy on him," Jessica mused, rolling her chair into their little office. Walter snorted. "No, I'm serious. What if one day he doesn't make it? We could split it sixty-forty."

"I'm sixty of course?" Walter asked, and Harry glared at him. The older man merely shrugged.

"No, I am, it was my idea," Jessica replied smartly, eyes twinkling.

Harry glared at her, too. "I think Ginny may want to protest that."

Jessica shrugged. "Maybe, maybe not."

"You can't put a life insurance policy out on me!" Harry protested.

"Who says?" Jessica demanded.

"Me!"

"Since when have we listened to you?"

"Try last week when I saved your ass?"

"Potter! Shane! Shut up!" Walter demanded. They both silenced and looked over at the gruff team leader. He held up a finger for silence from the gallery. "We cannot put a life insurance policy out on Harry Potter."

"Thank you!" Harry said, but Walter shook his head.

"However, if he dies, I get his paycheck."


	4. Chapter 4

Things I Am Not Allowed To Do at Hogwarts

Ook… So skipping 4… it's a bit much of a dirty joke even for me.

**#5 I am not allowed to give Remus Lupin a flea collar.**

Sirius and James sat cross-legged on their beds, staring in fascination at Remus, who was scratching the side of his face furiously. A red splotch was spread across his left cheek and down his neck. "Moony, can't you put some balm on that or something?" Sirius complained. "You're making me itchy just watching you."

"No!" Remus exclaimed, for the sixth time in the past ten minutes. "I'm allergic to the herbs in it, and I can't ask Madam Pomfrey to heal it or she'll know we were outside the Shack last night."

"Then why did you run into a patch of poison ivy last night?"

"I don't have much control when I'm in that state, you know that!"

Sirius scowled. James sat back, laughing at them both. "Moony, while I disagree with Padfoot's ill-thought logic, I do agree that you need to do something. It can't be good to walk around with a giant red splotch on your face."

Sirius muttered something inappropriate about what it looked like, making the other two snicker (and Remus turn red to match his splotch). "On top of that," James continued, giving Sirius a playful glare, "I don't think it's fine for you to scratch at that stuff. It gets the oils around, and your splotches will get bigger. In honor of that," he glanced at Sirius, who reached under the bed and retrieved a paper bag, "we got you a present."

Removing the paper bag, Sirius revealed a flea collar. Peter, who had been silent the whole time, now grabbed Remus' arms to keep him in place as Sirius fastened the big plastic collar around his neck and James cast a charm to keep it fastened.

"Now you can't scratch, and we won't have to watch, and your ugly red hickey-splotch will go away!" Sirius crowed.

Remus tilted his head forward so he could meet his friend's eyes. "I was fine before, thank you very much."

"Oh, you dog."


	5. Chapter 5

Things I Am Not Allowed To Do at Hogwarts

I pictured this in my head as soon as I saw the rule.

**#6 I am not allowed to bring a Magic 8 Ball to Divination.**

James and Sirius were sitting in the back corner of the Divination classroom, complaining in low tones about Professor Sorrel's droning, dull voice as he intoned about some prophecy he delivered to the MOM in the middle of some big banquet that Sirius vaguely remembered going to.

"I was stuffed into these little penguin robes and my mum was loud like always, and I don't remember much but I remember a prophecy being delivered in front of the whole room would have been a pile of flobberworms more interesting than what it actually was."

Both boys were reclined in their froofy chairs (the room does not change much after Sybil Trelawney becomes custodian in five years' time), feet on the table beside the crystal ball. James yawned, clearly bored, before replying, "At least in class we can make up stuff to make this class more interesting. Nothing can make the Minister more interesting, not even lawn darts and a pack of firecrackers."

The girls sitting in the table beside the fourth years did not want to know what, exactly, a Marauder could do with lawn darts and a pack of firecrackers.

"Yeah, and we have our handy buddy to help us," Sirius sniggered, withdrawing a round black object from within his robes.

Both boys sat up as Sorrel looked their way, an anagonized glint in his eyes- it was not even halfway through term, and he (like everyone else) was sick of them already. "All right, class. Today's assignment is reading the crystals, same as yesterday. See if you can divine anything from the depths of the Unknown. We are all Seers within ourselves."

James and Sirius clapped hands over each others' mouths to keep from bursting into open laughter. Once Sorrel was called over to two girls in the front, a dreamy girl with cokebottle glasses that made her eyes look like insects' eyes and a brunette that was rumored to be dating Xenophilius Lovegood (a kook in sixth year) the boys sniggered and got to work.

"Ask a question, James."

"Will Evans say yes," James intoned immediately, causing a redhead two tables over to shoot a dirty look over her shoulder.

Sirius shook the black ball in his hands fiercely, tongue between his teeth. He sniggered heartily. "Don't count on it."

"Prat," James grumbled, snatching the ball. "Ask away, Sirius."

"Is Professor Sorrel a major dung beetle."

"Signs point to yes."

Trade.

"Will Evans ask me out."

"Mate, really?"

Trade.

"Will my mum die in a convenient explosion."

"Reply hazy. Try again later."

"Figures."

Trade.

"Is Evans ever going to date me."

"Get a life."

Trade.

"Will my father give in and strangle Bellatrix."

"Better not tell you now."

"Damn."

Trade-

"Boys," interrupted Professor Sorrel. "Is something more engaging than the crystal balls."

"We have our own balls, thank you very much," Sirius cracked.

There were a few snickers from around the room. James elbowed him in the ribs. "Ow," Sirius hissed.

Sorrel held out his hand, beckoning, and James reluctantly placed the black object in the professor's outstretched hand. The Divination teacher examined it, a line between his brow. "What in ruddy Merlin's name is this thing?" he said, shaking it.

Lily Evans raised her hand. "It's a Magic 8 Ball, sir."


	6. Chapter 6

Things I Am Not Allowed To Do at Hogwarts

Not a Marauder-era, obviously, and it takes place after the books. I am a Lavender/Dean and a Seamus/Parvati shipper, as you'll see.

**#7 I am not allowed to say that Seamus Finnegan is "after me lucky charms".**

Seamus took a sip of his fire whiskey, rolling his eyes at Dean and Lavender. "Get a room," he complained of them.

"We have one. We just aren't in it," Dean returned. "Oh look, here's Parvati. Go talk to her instead of us." The couple resumed kissing in the middle of the Leaky Cauldron.

Making an exaggerated gagging noise at the very open couple, Seamus returned to his drink, not paying attention to the small, attractive Indian woman who came over to their table. He and Parvati were not really close, had never been. They were friends by virtue of their mutual friends. Like Facebook.

Out of the corner of his eye he saw Parvati smirk in his direction. She was wearing a tank top and low rise jeans that showed off her dark skin to best effect. "Drinking your sorrows away again, eh Scotsman?"

"Ah'm Irish," he replied somewhat sourly.

"So you keep saying."

Seamus turned to face her, setting down his glass.

"You're looking grumpy, Scotsman."

"Maybe because I'm Irish."

"Don't convince me to mock you, Scotsman," Parvati smirked, using a hint of an accent.

"Will you be quiet?" Seamus snapped. "And why are you dressed like that, looking to pick up some half-rate wizard?"

"Well, maybe, Finnegan, are you interested?" Ooh, burn.

Seamus looked her up and down, a bit of a smug look on his face, and answered decisively. "No."

"Then I suppose I am, since I don't appeal to those below half-rate." Mega burn.

"Aye, so I'm below half-rate?"

"That would be my guess."

Seamus leaned forward. "I could get you if I were interested, Patil."

"Are you after me lucky charms, Finnegan?" Parvati smirked.

Seamus scowled darkly, having heard enough of that joke at school whenever he asked a girl out. Especially the Muggleborns. He stood, finishing his firewhiskey, and headed for the door. His best mate was too busy playing tonsil hockey and he didn't care to put up with Parvati's jokes tonight.

She made a face at his dark mood, laughing at him. "What did I say now?" she called after him, grinning.


	7. Chapter 7

Things I Am Not Allowed To Do at Hogwarts

A/N: My sister, The Big Black Panther, helped me write the last episode. Forgot to mention it then.

**#8 ****I am not allowed to start a betting pool on this year's Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. It's tasteless, tacky, and not a good money-making strategy.**

Sirius Black lounged backwards, feet propped on his desk and keeping the tilted chair from falling backwards and landing him on his perfectly preened head. The sixteen year old languorously flicked black hair from his face and delivered his best friend a cool blue stare. "I think he'll make it."

James scoffed, shaking his own messy head. "You're an idiot. He doesn't have the cajones. I mean, if Malone left last year, there's no way Dexer is gonna make it."

"Malone left for medical purposes."

"Or so we've been told."

"I think he'll make it."

"Never."

Sirius sat up, challenged. "Care to make a wager, Prongsie?"

James stuck his hand out. "Five galleons each says he doesn't last the year."

Sirius accepted the hand graciously and they shook, like men. "He'll make it. There's something about Dexer. He'll make it."

Hestia Jones leaned forward in her seat, poking James in the back. "Can I get in on this wager? The man won't last a month."

"Why are you betting on the proficiency of our _teacher_?" Lily hissed, turning in her seat to face the Marauders, a scowl already in place.

"Because it's tasteful, sophisticated and it'll make me loads of money," Sirius snickered sarcastically. Well, he was serious about the last bit. He really thought he would win. Needless to say...

Sirius lost.


	8. Chapter 8

Things I Am Not Allowed To Do at Hogwarts

A/N: Haha, some fantastic Marauder material in here. Also, _Bated_ readers- I am 98% done with my next chapter, I am sooooo sorry for the long wait. Accept my genuflections and supplications as apology.

**#8 ****I am not allowed to joke about Remus' "time of the month."**

Sirius snickered, elbowing James in the rib as they walked down the hall. The two sixth year boys were examining the prospects for dates to Hogsmeade. "Sarah McNellan might be nice. She just broke up with her boyfriend so she's desperate, Prongsie."

James rolled his eyes. "How come you always suggest the desperate birds for me."

"All the others know you're hopelessly in love with Evans, ridiculous as that sounds."

"Hey!" James elbowed his friend back, hard. Sirius yelped like a dog, making James and Peter snigger at his distress.

Remus was unusually silent through the whole thing, not even looking over to reprimand his friends for physical violence or even for treating Hogwarts' girls like objects- something he often got on them for. James and Sirius eventually cottoned on. "Hey Moony, what's up with you mate?"

"You're unusually morose," Sirius agreed.

"Morose is a big word for you," Remus muttered, feeling ornery.

Sirius barked a laugh. "'Sirius' is a big word for me."

He got nothing. NOTHING. (From Remus, anyway, Peter broke down in giggles.) Sirius scowled, poking Remus on the cheek repeatedly until Remus smacked his hand away. "Will you stop that?"

"Not until you tell me what's wrong!" Sirius was _very_ mature.

"Is it your time of the month?" James accused, poking Remus' other cheek. Peter and Sirius giggled.

"I didn't think it was, but it must be, he is definitely PMSing," Sirius said thoughtfully, poking Remus again.

The werewolf scowled, swatting their hands away and mumbling something about arrogant twats as he sped away from them, head down.

"What?" James called after him, hands outstretched in supplication. "Just trying to cheer you up, mate!"


End file.
